Singer-songwriter Olivia Rodrigo has released her highly anticipated third studio album, You Seem Pretty Sad For A Girl So In Love. Heres everything you need to know about the artist. Age: 24-year-old Gen Xer Hobbies: Music Signature Look: Scrutinized Fans Call Themselves: Pitchfork staff writers Unreleased Songs Comparing Herself To Sham, The Star ...

LOS ANGELESSaying a courtesy call would have been nice even if nothing ever came of it, E.T. told reporters Monday he was shocked at not being contacted by director Steven Spielberg for a cameo in his new sci-fi movieDisclosure Day.I knew I wasnt going to be the lead, which was totally fine, but are you […] The post E.T. Admits Shock At Not Even Being ...

Many online criticized NASAs decision to select only male astronauts for its upcoming Artemis III mission, with Administrator Jared Isaacman claiming that the agency assigns the crew that gives the mission the best chance of meeting its objectives. What do you think? The post NASA Criticized For Selecting All-Male Artemis III Crew appeared first on The ...

OAKLAND, CAStressing that it was never okay to criticize someones appearance, Ariana Grande fans reportedly took to social media Monday to slam body-shamers for pointing out that the singer was actively on fire. One, shes always been naturally flammable, and two, shes asked people to stop talking about the fire multiple times, said 29-year-old Emma […] ...

NEW YORKCondemning the unlawful possession of its property by generations of spectators, Major League Baseball issued a recall Monday of all foul balls that have ever been taken home from its ballparks. These balls belong to Major League Baseball, and we want them back, said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, stressing that any fan who has […] The post MLB ...

NEW YORKWarning that millions of men aged 35 and older would be left utterly adrift following the traumatic loss, researchers at Columbia University published a study Monday that revealed the majority of middle-aged men in the United States lacked the support network they would need to handle singer-songwriter Neil Youngs death. Its deeply concerning that ...

The post Back Of Gatorade Bottle Features Recipe For Gatorade Casserole appeared first on The Onion.

A new paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the release of the Apple iPhone in 2007 contributed to a decline in the birth rate, especially among teens and young adults. What do you think? The post Study Finds iPhone Lowered Birth Rate appeared first on The Onion.

The post Embarrassed Woman Scrambles To Stop Emotionally Resonating With Movie Before Lights Come On appeared first on The Onion.

More than 26 million U.S. children attend summer camp every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending your kids to overnight camp. PRO Opportunity to make friends from different gated communities  Forces bed-wetters to get their shit together Grants parents much-needed private arguing time Bee sting EpiPen was going to expire in […] The post ...

NEW YORKUrging audiences to see his new film on the biggest screen possible, Disclosure Day director Steven Spielberg claimed in an interview Friday that IMAX provided the best way to experience Josh O’Connor’s soulful yet vulnerable eyes. “In order for you to feel swept away in those deep emerald pools the way I intended, you […] The post Steven ...

Your mother, 67, is fine, but this is just a reminder that she could go at any moment. Give her a call. The post Your Mother appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGOHaving confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one.Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that Ive driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now Im all alone with my miserable self, the dejected, unshaven NBA […] The ...

ORLANDO, FLIn an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new We Invented Spaghetti slogan Friday during a call with investors.We want Americans to know that when youre at Olive Garden, youre not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, youre also […] The post ...

WASHINGTONSaying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday.Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees ...

BLOOMINGTON, INScientists may be one step closer to answering the question of whether you are ineloquent or just an asshole after participants in a study of your communication skills confirmed Friday that their crying was not linked to what you said, but to the way you said it. The words themselves arent mean, but your […] The post Study: Crying Not ...

A recent poll found that only 66% of Americans claim that a democratically elected government is important to the United States national identity, with those aged 18-29 reporting the lowest belief in U.S. democracys centrality at only 51%. What do you think? The post Poll: Fewer Americans Say Democracy Central To U.S. Identity appeared first on The Onion.

The post Nancy Mace Introduces Bill To Separate Gubernatorial Races By Gender appeared first on The Onion.

On Sunday, the same day as President Trumps 80th birthday, the White House will host UFC Freedom 250 on the South Lawn. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the unprecedented mixed martial arts event. $1.2 million Cost of restoring Thomas Jeffersons original Octagon 5 Drinks before shirtless Pete Hegseth […] The post The White House ...

DENVERFrustrated by his fixation on a totally irrelevant topic at the expense of issues that actually matter to Americans, numerous voters told reporters this week that congressional candidate Ted Botello was campaigning for office with no better ideas than improving the economy. “This guy won’t stop talking about how he’s going to make life more ...

Marty Peters and Karen Roth: Huhthe happy couples in loving memory table had a picture of Hulk Hogan. The post Marty Peters and Karen Roth appeared first on The Onion.

The post Tour In Peril After Noah Kahan Refuses To Come Down From Tree appeared first on The Onion.

CLAYMONT, DEAs part of its effort to make the popular consumer-led food safety platform kid-friendly and provide parents with tools for oversight, IWasPoisoned.com announced Friday that it was now offering teen accounts.Starting today, new restrictions have been placed on the accounts of IWasPoisoned.com users under the age of 18, who will now need ...

NEW YORKTouting the initiative as a way to bring love for the Orange and Blue to the places that need it most, the New York Mets front office announced Thursday that franchise mascot Mr. Met had embarked on a missionary trip to the Amazon rainforest to spread Mets fandom to the regions uncontacted tribes.As we […] The post Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary ...

LEAWOOD, KSRemarking that it seemed a tad excessive to own more than a dozen of the recreational bouncing devices, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly urged fianc Travis Kelce on Thursday to whittle down the number of trampolines on their wedding registry to one.Thats a lot of trampolines, babe, and you can really only bounce on […] The post Taylor Swift ...