SAN FRANCISCO, CA With California adopting a new system to check if LGBTQ+ labeled businesses are really gay, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz showed up uninvited at the offices of the California Public Utilities Commission volunteering to personally inspect every California to see if the owners are gay enough.

NEW YORK, NY MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, reportedly infuriated by news of ball players defiling their pride hats with Bible verses, has ordered anyone who refuses to bow to the pride flag be cast into the fiery furnace.

CHICAGO, IL In a bid to capture vintage nostalgia, McDonald's has announced the return of its true, original-recipe apple pies. The company confirmed the legendary dessert will once again feature the secret ingredient from its initial nineteenth-century inspiration: cocaine.

Vacation Bible School season is upon us once again, and you may have noticed that every denomination has its own special twist on how to engage elementary-age kiddos. The Babylon Bee has surveyed the country, and here are the most popular VBS themes for each denomination:

When I first booted up The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, I thought I was gonna be in for a magical experience. The opening title card is fantastical and mysterious, and the music is pretty good. I couldn't find an option to turn the graphics to 4K resolution, but I set that aside and got started.

RAMSES Archaeologists excavating at ancient Egyptian historical sites discovered evidence of another biblical plague, this one believed to have consisted of a horde of cyclists blocking Pharaoh's morning commute.

NEW YORK, NY According to sources, Vice President JD Vance stumbled upon an incredible discovery on Tuesday when he made contact with a tribe of illiterate, feral women.

U.S. In an effort to better reflect the league's values, Major League Baseball announced that it had officially rebranded from "MLB" to "MLBTQ+".

U.S. Humanity's long-awaited first contact with advanced extraterrestrials came to a disappointing end this week after visiting aliens returned home and officially classified Earth as a barren, unintelligent world following a brief encounter with astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.

MADISON, WI Local man Brad Pulman admitted to friends that all the knowledge he has ever obtained about classical music he received by watching classic Bugs Bunny cartoons.

WASHINGTON, D.C. In the wake of Elon Musk officially becoming the world's first confirmed trillionaire, leaders of the Democratic Party pledged to never stop fighting as long as anyone in America is still allowed to be successful.

U.S. The U.S. Men's National Team surged into contention as a World Cup betting favorite after bringing in LeBron James to help the team flop around on the grass and act like he's hurt.

Homeschool families used to be easy to spot, as twenty years ago the kids were all giant dorks. These days, it's a lot more difficult to figure out. Take a close look at this picture and see if you can spot all seven clues that this is a homeschool family:

SAN DIMAS, CA Local Gen Zer Aiden Heath was reportedly hospitalized this week after going more than five minutes without saying "bro."

U.S. In a surprising policy shift, Democrats announced they were now demanding reparations from an African American.

MOBILE, AL Local conservatives Michael and Lacie Barnett were reportedly aghast after walking in on their son Jeffrey watching the FIFA World Cup.

U.S. - Leading scholars believe that the angel who saved Daniel in the lion's den used a red laser pointer to distract the vicious cats.

U.S. The citizens of the United States have overwhelmingly voted to legally adopt the World Cup tourist known only as "Freddy the German."

U.S. After making history by becoming the world's first trillionaire, Elon Musk credited his enormous wealth to carefully following the Dave Ramsey envelope system.

LONDON In an ongoing effort to balance religious freedom and public safety, the government of the United Kingdom decided to grant exemptions for committed Muslims who wish to don suicide vests for religious and ceremonial purposes.

The 2026 FIFA World Cup is being hosted in the United States for the first time since 1994. But what should be a cause for celebration is, instead, confusing a lot of Americans who can't quite seem to grasp the nature of the game.

LONDON According to sources, Prime Minister Keir Starmer set up a commission to discern how best to respond to the attempted beheading in Belfast. UPDATE: The members of the commission have been beheaded.

U.S. Moviegoers eagerly awaited the release of the latest sci-fi blockbuster film from one of showbusiness's most legendary directors, though early reviews indicated that Disclosure Day caused audiences to question their faith in Steven Spielberg.

JERUSALEM As he observed the temple scribes hard at work making official copies of the book of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon reportedly admitted that he may have plagiarized the bit about there being nothing new under the sun.

U.S. As the highly anticipated soccer matches prepared to kick off in cities throughout the country, millions of Americans got ready for the occasion by sitting down and Googling "What is a World Cup?"