INDIANAPOLIS, IN Local wife Marge Thompson was repulsed at the hideous sight of her husband's doughy, unshaved face when he emerged from the bathroom after shaving his beard as she had requested.

WASHINGTON, D.C. With women on the House Oversight Committee raising a ruckus and bringing a halt to legislative business, congressmen announced they had built a special soundproof Girl Congress next door for the womenfolk to go so the men could get some work done.

LOUISVILLE, KY The second round of the PGA Championship was already underway today when a minor disturbance occurred near the opening hole, as Scottie Scheffler tunneled out of prison right onto the tee box.

WASHINGTON, D.C. As tempers flared among girl congressmen on Capitol Hill yesterday, all male congressmen found themselves in unprecedented agreement that the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was clearly a mistake.

MISHICOT, WA According to sources, local dad Allan Paxton found himself tearing up a little after hearing his son Jason shout: "It's over, Billy! I have the high ground!" during a toy lightsaber duel with his friend Billy.

LINCOLN, NE As he neared middle age, a local man found himself still waiting for the puzzle-solving skills he developed playing the 1990s computer game Myst to become useful in other areas of his life.

U.S. Sports Illustrated has declared bankruptcy after trying to provide enough catering for their latest plus-size model photo shoot. Sources say the company ran out of money halfway through the shoot and was forced to file for Chapter 11 as the models were demanding more food.

NEW YORK, NY In response to angry outcry from feminists regarding statements he made in a commencement speech, the NFL issued a statement that Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker does not represent the values of the rest of the league of woman beaters.

WASHINGTON, D.C. In a dramatic turn of events, pro-life activist Lauren Handy was released from prison today after explaining that she was simply blocking an abortion clinic to help "Free Palestine".

SAN FRANCISCO, CA Bay Area residents were doing double-takes today, as Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi began dressing as a hobo after learning San Francisco was giving free vodka shots to the homeless.

LONDON While contemplating the best way to pass their time at the tavern, a group of local men began brainstorming various activities they could engage in, with the result on this particular day being one of the greatest leaps forward in history for mankind.

MALVERN, PA Pastor James Tanner announced this morning at church that tithes were down at Malvern Presbyterian, and also that the morning sermon was sponsored by Dave's Auto Body Repair Shop.

DUBLIN Horrified onlookers were left stunned and disgusted while peering through what they believed could only have been a portal to Hell itself before being told that they were only looking at New York City.

JEFFERSON CITY, MO After making national headlines with its headquarters announcing that it was closing dozens of locations in multiple states across the country, hero Sam Harrell has kept one Red Lobster's doors open by continuing to order more endless shrimp.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ As dozens of avid golfers enjoyed a beautiful day on courses throughout the area, one local player asked his companions to give him a moment to survey how much range he would need for his next shot before duffing the ball six inches.

Do you stay active to maintain your physical fitness? If so, it's a foregone conclusion that you're a far-right extremist, whether you knew it or not. In fact, exercise isn't the only dangerous right-wing health conspiracy invading American life.

WASHINGTON, D.C. To avoid further embarrassment from bewildering and offensive speeches, White House officials have installed a breathalyzer on Kamala Harris's microphone.

ST. LOUIS, MO Marketing executives for Anheuser-Busch have announced a comeback plan for their struggling beer brand Bud Light. According to the company, the plan involves waiting several decades until the consumers who currently hate the brand die of old age.

SAN DIEGO, CA It was while looking out his conference room window upon the Naval fleet parked in the bay area that local man Daniel McCarty became certain he missed his calling to serve on a Ticonderoga-class guided missile cruiser.

U.S. A brand new video released by popular YouTuber MrBeast shows him firing 400 nuclear missiles to destroy the sun and plunge the solar system into eternal darkness for charity.

Everyone is on the lookout for the feds these days, but have you ever considered the possibility that you may be in bed with the FBI literally?

WACO, TX With summer barbecue season about to heat up, a new study has found that a remarkable 100% of men cooking on a grill were just kinda moving meat around and hoping for the best.

U.S. College Students protesting Israel announced an indefinite hunger strike on Monday, which they say will occur between the hours of 10 AM and 5 PM, with an hour for lunch at noon with only some light snacking permitted from time to time.

SAGINAW, MI According to sources, local wife and mother Deborah Barlowe was devastated to discover that she had somehow managed to kill her fake houseplant.