The scourge of wokeness came for every part of our lives, and stole so many things we held dear to our hearts. Here are eight of the things that we will never forgive wokeness for taking from us:

ORLANDO, FL In an attempt to win back customers, struggling restaurant chain Red Lobster has rolled out a new promotion called their "Reasonable Amount Of Shrimp" deal.

U.S. Citizens in the most obese, unhealthy country on the face of the planet have expressed concern that new Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. might try to do a few things differently.

U.S. After winding up in debt from blowing through $1.2 billion in just three months, Vice President Kamala Harris called in to the Dave Ramsey Show to ask for some financial guidance.

U.S. In what turned out to be an incredibly lopsided match, buffering handily defeated Netflix last night by technical knockout.

Children... who needs them? Think of all the stuff you'd be missing out on while you're wasting your time loving and raising a bunch of kids.

U.S. In the aftermath of what was a bitter and contentious presidential election season, signs of national unity began to appear, as Democrats and Republicans across the country found common ground in rooting for Jake Paul to get punched in the face.

WASHINTON, D.C. Presumptive cabinet member and amateur bodybuilder Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. was reportedly attacked late last night by a gang of assailants matching the description of Count Chocula, Chester Cheetah, and the Kool-Aid Man.

GAINESVILLE, FL Sources close to local man Jerry Smathers said the 25-year-old revealed himself to be a total sociopath after he responded to his friend's casual greeting of "How's it going?" by actually explaining how his life was going.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Panicked sources within the nation's capital expressed fear that the entire governmental bureaucracy that had been methodically built up over the last century was about to be dismantled by an Indian guy and an autistic African American obsessed with rockets.

The American people have spoken, leaving Kamala Harris on her way out of office and looking toward whatever may come next for her. What does the future hold for her?

WASHINGTON, D.C. The Department of Government Efficiency has wasted no time in identifying 535 government employees residing in the Capitol Building who haven't done any work in years.

There's a cool life hack that the government doesn't want you to know about called "forming a fellowship with your bros and going hiking through the mountains for days." They have hidden this information from us for years, but it's really true.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Democrats in Washington have expressed disappointment in the Father of Lies, reportedly admonishing Satan for being too moderate.

WASHINGTON, D.C. With the nation abuzz following the announcement that Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy will be leading a Department of Government Efficiency to trim wasteful spending, Democrats expressed worries that if the government became more efficient, they'd be forced to light giant piles of money on fire on their own.

SPRINGFIELD, IL Despite extensive investigation, experts disclosed they were unable to determine if the angry-looking bald person you saw today was a neo-nazi or simply a progressive feminist woman.