BURBANK, CA As concerned shareholders sought answers, Disney CEO Bob Iger insisted the company's stock drop was not caused by the failure of the studio's latest movie Gay Black Pinocchio Protests for Palestine.

WASHINGTON, D.C. A local tapeworm was shocked and disgusted to find himself residing within the brain of a Washington politician, according to sources.

MEMPHIS, TN A local woman felt the overwhelming love and presence of God this morning, and sources confirmed she has yet to write a lengthy Instagram post about it.

U.S. Presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hit a slight snag in his campaign strategy this week when worms inside his brain began dropping Spice Melange in his brain, causing what doctors claim is an allergic reaction that gave him visions of galactic jihad.

NAZARETH A great commotion was sparked among the village residents today, as Jesus's parents realized He was divine after He completed a carpentry project without having to go back to Home Depot a single time.

LOS ANGELES, CA In a scene that witnesses describe as chaotic, a man visiting a Bible study began to rant about the Jews killing Christ, seemingly unaware that it was actually his own sins that helped kill Jesus.

HOLLYWOOD, CA With major movie studios struggling to remain profitable amid evolving audience tastes, Dwayne Johnson has come to save the day by finally breaking out of his typecast by playing an all-new role as an intense, but sort of Zen, joking, muscly action guy.

Much has been made about the Boy Scouts of America changing its name to "Scouting America" to promote greater inclusivity, but few people have heard about all the cool new merit badges scouts can now earn!

PIERRE, SD In an agonizing end-of-life decision, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem had her political career humanely put down today.

GAZA With its forces pressing deeper into the Hamas-controlled stronghold, Israel warned civilians to evacuate Rafah in what analysts are calling the most incompetent genocide ever.

U.S. New research has discovered that women will throw their support behind any cause, no matter how violent and sexist, as long as they get to wear a scarf.

NEW YORK, NY In a heartwarming outreach to African Americans, New York Governor Kathy Hochul visited a Bronx elementary school to bring the miracle of white man's fire to the Black community.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN In a show of support for anti-Israel protests on college campuses and other places across the country, retail giant Target unveiled a new line of Hamas intifada wear for children.

IRVING, TX In a step toward greater inclusion, The Boy Scouts Of America announced this week that it will be just going by "Of" from here on out.

The seal of confession officially prohibits priests from disclosing what they learn while hearing a confession, but according to an ancient church rule, if you guess correctly they have to tell you.

XINJIANG, CHINA Thanks to the recent uptick in awareness of worldwide injustices and inequalities, Uighur slaves are struggling to keep up with the demand for more Palestinian headscarves.

KYIV In a televised address, President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine claimed to have survived a harrowing assassination attempt and would be happy to disclose the thrilling details for a paltry 45 billion dollars.

PENSACOLA, FL According to sources, a local man was left in a state of confusion after coming to another tab on his internet browser and completely forgetting what he came there for.

EAST HANOVER, NJ America's favorite cookie unveiled yet another flavor variation this week, as Nabisco introduced its long-awaited Chick-fil-A Sauce-Stuffed Oreos.

SAN DIEGO, CA According to sources, local man Kyle Brannigan has now reached the age where he carefully checks the alcohol by volume number on every beer before consuming it.

GAZA With reports of a proposed agreement to temporarily end hostilities in the conflict between Israel and Palestine, Hamas celebrated the proposed ceasefire with a rocket barrage directed toward Tel Aviv.

LOUISVILLE, KY The annual spectacle and revelry of the world's most famous horse race was interrupted by an awkward moment as Kristi Noem attended the Kentucky Derby to see if any horses needed to be put down.

U.S. Americans braced for what appeared to be a bright, joyous summer and the nation let out a collective cheer as college campus protesters announced plans to stay inside tents indefinitely.

ORLANDO, FL Walt Disney World has unveiled plans for its new The Chosen roller coaster, which will take riders underground for three days before rising again.

U.S. Forbes has released its newest list of "Most Desirable Employee Candidates", which saw Ivy League graduates slip down just below carnies and the people who wash car windows at stoplights.