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It's a dark time to be a progressive. But it's the Thanksgiving season, which means it's time to be thankful to whatever non-specific deity or power you believe in. Let's try to keep up that spirit of gratitude by reminding ourselves of these ten things libs can still be thankful for:

U.S. With Jose Ibarra now convicted of Laken Riley's murder, police warned that the three others responsible for her death still remained at large.

CAMBRIDGE, MA A team of high-level researchers expanded its working hours this week to intensify efforts to finish an important project before the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) cuts its funding, as the scientists worked feverishly to complete a study on the effects of giving meth to jetpack-wearing hamsters.

ZOAR In an attempt to help her find a homeopathic solution to her excessive sodium levels, local patriarch Lot suggested to his salt pillar wife that she should start drinking more water.

U.S. In order to avoid further lawsuits, Sunny Hostin was forced to read a legal notice on camera acknowledging that not a single statement made on The View in the entire history of the show has been even remotely true.

BAY SPRINGS, MS A local Baptist church took its fundraising to a whole new level this week by selling an exciting pin-up calendar consisting of photos of different casseroles.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT Costco announced this week that it would be rolling out new "Mormon Family Size" items for even larger families of a particular religious persuasion.

WASHINTON, D.C. Multiple Republican senators and representatives expressed worry that adding trans members to Congress would make their monthly coke orgies more awkward.

AUSTIN, TX Two Christian friends recently resolved to just get dinner together in Heaven sometime after they missed their third rescheduled get-together.

PALM BEACH, FL Evidence of America's new focus on health and proper diet already began to appear, as restaurant customers reported seeing Robert F. Kennedy Jr. lurking at McDonald's in a Grimace costume waiting to bust unhealthy eaters.

U.S. Tech companies are reportedly getting ready for a future in which all liberals will require their own individual social media platforms so they can avoid encountering wrong opinions.

WILMINGTON, DE After finding out how much money former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson made from his highly publicized Netflix exhibition fight, failed presidential candidate Kamala Harris announced plans to pay back her $20 million campaign debt by agreeing to fight Jake Paul early next year.

DANIA BEACH, FL Spirit Airlines has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, and for a small additional fee of $50, they will tell you why.

FORT WAYNE, IN Local man Everett Johnson recently discovered an incredible Christian hack when he closed his morning prayer by asking for "infinity more" prayers.

The scourge of wokeness came for every part of our lives, and stole so many things we held dear to our hearts. Here are eight of the things that we will never forgive wokeness for taking from us:

ORLANDO, FL In an attempt to win back customers, struggling restaurant chain Red Lobster has rolled out a new promotion called their "Reasonable Amount Of Shrimp" deal.

U.S. Citizens in the most obese, unhealthy country on the face of the planet have expressed concern that new Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. might try to do a few things differently.

U.S. After winding up in debt from blowing through $1.2 billion in just three months, Vice President Kamala Harris called in to the Dave Ramsey Show to ask for some financial guidance.

U.S. In what turned out to be an incredibly lopsided match, buffering handily defeated Netflix last night by technical knockout.

Children... who needs them? Think of all the stuff you'd be missing out on while you're wasting your time loving and raising a bunch of kids.

U.S. In the aftermath of what was a bitter and contentious presidential election season, signs of national unity began to appear, as Democrats and Republicans across the country found common ground in rooting for Jake Paul to get punched in the face.

WASHINTON, D.C. Presumptive cabinet member and amateur bodybuilder Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. was reportedly attacked late last night by a gang of assailants matching the description of Count Chocula, Chester Cheetah, and the Kool-Aid Man.

GAINESVILLE, FL Sources close to local man Jerry Smathers said the 25-year-old revealed himself to be a total sociopath after he responded to his friend's casual greeting of "How's it going?" by actually explaining how his life was going.